


Nurses Office

by nitendous_beepbeep



Series: Voltron: Corrupted defender [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Blood, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Evil Lance (Voltron), Evil Lotor (Voltron), Galra Keith (Voltron), Hallucinations, Homesick Lance (Voltron), Hurt Lance (Voltron), Insecure Lance (Voltron), Korean Keith (Voltron), Kuron is Shiro (Voltron)'s Clone, Langst, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Pining Lance (Voltron), Self-Harm, im so bad at tags lmao help, klangst, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25675867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nitendous_beepbeep/pseuds/nitendous_beepbeep
Summary: After coming back from death, Lance doesn't feel right. With Keith back, he feels somewhat normal but still wrong. Keith doesn't seem right either, but who is lance to judge.----A fic based off an AU edit I made about Lance with langst
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Series: Voltron: Corrupted defender [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1861768
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	1. Cause They Hate Me

**Author's Note:**

> So I made an AU edit a while back and decided to write a fic to it bc I don't want to edit right now, so here you go. I titled it Nurses Office, bc that's the song I used in the edit so credits to Melanie Martinez for that. 
> 
> Also thank you to Laure, Taylor, and Signe for proofreading and shi.
> 
> Heres the edit if you want to watch it (warning: spoilers)
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/CCaQsOzn6j-/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Seeing Allura’s face after death was not one of the things Lance expected, then again, he wasn’t dead anymore, and he wasn’t expecting that either. 

He hoped that dying would be peaceful, like a nap in the sand and sun back at home. He hadn’t had that kind of rest in over a year, and home felt like a fever dream by this point. But apparently life had other choices, _Allura_ had other choices, and the world still needed a paladin for the red lion. 

_Not really_ , he thought, Keith deserves to pilot red. Not him.

Waking up after dying, everything felt _different_. Like getting a fever but not realizing it, where the world just feels off and everything feels wrong. Of course, the world hasn’t felt the same since he left earth on a giant mechanical blue lion approximately a year and a half ago, just to find out aliens were real, he was a part of a space robot, and there is a huge alien war against a race his friend was apart of. 

Was Keith even his friend? Keith left? And Lance was the one that drove him away, Keith didn’t want to be here anymore, and obviously Lance respects that, but leaving? It didn’t feel right, maybe he took it too far with the teasing, or maybe, and this is probably most likely, he left because of what Lance told him.

Which only causes Lance to feel worse, because what if Keith didn’t want to leave. And yet he did, for Lance. That would mean not only did lance force him to go away because he felt obligated to. But that he left because they were friends, because they were so close, Keith Wanted to leave, not because he was peer pressured by Lance, but because he thought it was the right thing for Lance. 

Nothing feels worse than people leaving, more than being the reason why they left.

It should have been him instead of Keith. Keith might deserve to find out more about his culture, but Lance doesn’t deserve to be a paladin. Keith does. It isn’t fair. All the others have a “thing.” proclaiming yourself as “sharpshooter” isn’t a thing. 

“Lance,” Allura’s voice brought him back to the present, “Lance, we still have to fight”

And so that’s what they did, together as a team. Voltron battling Galra, just another Sunday. Lance wondered if Sundays even existed in space. 

The battle ended fairly quickly after that, they were all worn out from fighting. Allura practically had to be dragged into the infirmary after landing in the castle. Bringing someone back to life and then fighting immediately after must’ve been hard, Lance supposed. But Lance hadn’t noticed how tired everyone was. 

He felt like he was drifting in a pool of invisible sludge. It didn’t feel right, _HE_ doesn’t feel right. Like if he was standing in the dark and saw someone and tried to reach out but he had no hands, or body, or wasn’t even real.

Coming back from being dead felt _wrong_ , it was all wrong. Allura shouldn’t have brought him back. He doesn’t deserve to live. _He_ of all people, so many people have died in this war. So why him? What has he done to deserve a second chance? There have been so many others that deserve it more. And yet Allura chose _him._

Eventually, he reached his room. He sat on his bed, it should have brought Lance comfort but all he felt was wrong. 

_He wasn’t supposed to be here, its all wrong, wrong, wrong._

He heard the door slide open with a mechanical woosh, but he made no move to see who was there. 

“Lancey,” What? The familiar voice jerked him out of his constant thoughts of wrong, “what? No hi?”

“Keith?” Lance looked up. There standing in his full glory and terrible mullet was Keith Kogane, who left, but now apparently back.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out” that definitely wouldn’t be something Keith would say. But Lance was too captivated by the fact that he was _back_ to worry about it. 

“What- Wh- Why are you here? When did you come back? Aren’t you supposed to be with the blade?” Lance felt like there were too many questions, but it was _Keith_ and he was _back_ , it didn’t matter because he was _back._

“Maybe I am, maybe not” he half-answered, Lance didn’t care he was staring at Keith, it should have been weird, but at the same time it felt like the first thing that was right, _Ke_ _ith_ in his blade suit and stupid dagger in his hand, the dagger that made him leave, “dinners starting soon, you should go.”

“What about you?” Lance didn’t want to leave him alone so soon after him coming back, “aren’t you coming too?”

“I’ll be there soon,” he gestured towards his outfit, “I want to change first though.”

He walked out through the doors, and Lance followed. He watched Keith turn right towards his room, and he turned left towards the kitchen.

\-------

Dinner was loud as usual. A comfort for being in the silence of space. 

It reminded him of Varadero, of family dinners, of _home_.

His twin sister, Rachel, sitting next to him. His mother berating Marco about something, Luis telling his kids to sit still. 

Lance kept glancing towards the door, Keith still wasn’t here. Honestly, it was _weird_ , but then again, everything felt weird, so was Lance just weird, or was something actually wrong?

Pidge must have noticed how quiet Lance was today. They kept giving glances back and forth between him and the door.

“What’s wrong?” Pidge got the courage to ask, their voice held underlying concern for their friend. They passed the weird-looking purple bread Hunk had made towards Coran. “Are you expecting an attack or something?”

She had tried to diffuse his tension with a joke, but it didn’t seem to make him laugh, or even _smile_ . This only concerned Pidge more. They only knew tech, they weren’t good with _emotions_ , and yet no one else realized something was wrong.

“No Keith isn’t here yet,” Lance replied with. They laughed Lance off as if he made another joke.

Keith must not have told the others he was back, to surprise them probably, yea that made sense. So they must’ve thought Lance was just making another joke. 

He figured to just go with it, better to keep it a secret for Keith’s sake, it wasn’t the first time Keith had missed dinner anyways. Nothing new, everything was _fine._

Lance hadn’t however missed the odd glance Allura gave him. And the way she flashed a look towards Shiro, then towards Lance. A look that held a thousand words, but only one meaning. 

A look that said _we need to talk_. 

Something was wrong with Lance, and over half of the dinner table was about to find out.


	2. So I'm Faking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance, Allura, and Shiro talk. Lord Garamdon is tall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2, this mainly focuses on Lance's insecurities, so like I'm sorry?

Dinner stayed mostly the same after Allura’s silent announcement to Lance and Shiro. But now Shiro, Allura, and Lance were in the Bridge, standing in a loose circle.

“To start off, Lance, what did you mean when you mentioned Keith?” Allura spoke in her most official tone. The one she would use towards diplomats, or making peace treaties. Lance figured that she didn’t understand what was going on and wanted to approach the situation without doing something wrong.

“What are you talking about?” If Keith didn’t tell Allura then he should keep it a secret. He didn’t know what Allura’s angle with this was, and feigning innocence keeps the blame off of him while allowing him to still figure out what Allura is planning to do. It gives him time to figure out if it’s worth telling her that somethings wrong. That  _ he _ felt wrong. But Keith wasn’t wrong, so it shouldn’t matter if it was kept to himself. It was  _ weird. _

“At the dining table, you had asked where Keith was, what did you mean by that?” Allura must've figured something was wrong if she was being direct. Just like in meetings where she  _ knows _ the collaborators are hiding something from her. 

“It was just a joke? Seriously what are you talking about, Allura?”  _ good, that really sells the whole denial thing, they’ll believe you. _ The voice in Lances’ head was starting to sound like Keith, maybe he missed Keith more than he thought. 

“Lance, you haven’t talked about Keith in  _ months _ , not even to mention that him leaving was hard for you, it just seems out of place for you to joke about it.” Shiro had spoken up, Lance guessed he had figured out that it was Lance that was wrong, not everything else, just  _ Lance. _

“Look, Shiro, Allura, I’m going to be blunt with you, but I  _ died _ , and that’s not something I’m just going to get over by tomorrow morning.” Shiro looked shocked when he heard Lance had died, maybe Allura didn’t tell the rest of the team as Lance had previously thought. “But dying had made me realize, nothing good is gonna happen from me not addressing Keith left. So making a joke isn’t a big deal.”

_ Lies _ . Lance never wanted to joke about Keith leaving, and that only brings on a whole different set of insecurities. But bringing up his death takes away the spotlight from Keith, and feigning importance helps with the lie even more. 

Why did he even have to lie, why couldn’t he just tell Allura and Shiro, they should know. But then again he just had this feeling that he should, it felt  _ right _ . One of the few things that felt like that today.

“Okay,” Shiro looked like he was testing the waters, like he was doing something he could do but shouldn’t, “well in terms of the next mission, I think you should take it off, Lance. I’m going to be blunt but you said you’re not gonna get over dying that quick, and so we should let you get a break for the next few days. We don’t need you, you should just relax.”

Shiro looked towards Allura asking for either a confirmation or an opinion, “Yes, I think that would be a good idea, Shiro.”

But Lance wasn’t concerned about that. 

_ We don’t need you there _ . The words floated around in his head. Shiro had just unknowingly confirmed that he wasn’t necessary. He wasn’t needed. He just got back from a death he deserves to a world that didn’t  _ need _ him. 

What was the point of bringing him back? They could have just let Keith pilot, he was back here anyway. Back at the Garrison, he was a better pilot,  _ the best pilot. _ And here Lance wasn’t anything, so why did Allura bring him back, he was supposed to be here. He understood life does things for a reason, like Voltron and finding the lions, and so if life thought he should die, why did Allura think otherwise.

Shes never cared about Lance before. So  _ maybe _ he was a bit annoying with the flirt, but it was just a joke, the difference between the Alteans and Humans were awkward and Lance brought them to the castle, so he should be the one to help bridge the gap. And jokes were the way to do it. 

But it had led to Lance and Allura having more than just a rocky start. Allura hadn’t immediately gotten it was more as a joke and less of him actually flirting with her. And as Pidge had called him at some point, he was a simp. Which had only led Lance to figure out,  _ no one  _ thought of it as a joke, was he that good at joking around that he’s taken seriously. The one time he actually cracks jokes, and he gets taken seriously. All they see him as is a joke, but with Allura, they thought he was sincere. 

And yet, the team still sees him as a joke. Someone who can’t take missions serious, an immature paladin. Someone incapable of his job and was only talking non-stop. The amount of times Pidge has told him to  _ shut up, Lance _ , hadn’t helped with him putting himself down. 

Back home in Cuba, his mama always told him to speak his mind, that words have power over people. But in the Garrison they had told him,  _ follow orders, stay quiet, cadet _ . But his mama was always right, and so he spoke, and spoke, and spoke. But no one listened, like what he said wasn’t important, that  _ he  _ wasn’t important. So he learned to make jokes, people  _ listen _ if they hear something funny. 

Apparently he took it too far. He spoke too much. He should have shut up a long time ago, and he had tried, but all he learned was that its easier to feel hated on than to feel ignored.

And he  _ knows _ Pidge and Hunk don’t hate him. And that they care, he knew that back at the Garrison, they had time to show it. But up in space, with a war going on, they’ve always been too busy to show they don’t hate him. And so he fell down his rabbit hole of insecurities. 

“It’s settled then,” Shiro’s voice got Lance out of his spiral.

“No, it’s not settled,” Lance spoke up, just like his mama said to, “as much fun as it would be to lounge around in a castle all day thinking about me dying on repeat. The universe needs Voltron.”

Shiro glared at him. Piercing gray eyes sarong straight into blue, attempting to tear into his soul and get him to break. 

Allura coughed from the side, noticing their silent stare down, “Well, the next mission is just a supply run on one of the planets we liberated. Nothing too difficult. And although I agree with Shiro, the mission isn’t anything straining. So Lance if you want to go, you can go.”

\---

They landed on a planet Lance didn’t bother remembering the name to. The citizens had an odd orange tint to their skin and could compare to a rat but with added height. They almost looked like if Nyma had a child with an oversized possum. 

The mission was just to carry boxes of supplies up to the ship and greet the citizens. Allura had told them she had a meeting with some of the leaders of the planet, and during that time the rest of the paladins would have free time to explore the planet.

“You know you and Nyma would never have worked out, but maybe you have a chance with the citizens here,” Keith joked.

He had been helping Lance with the remaining boxes. Helping had been a considerate term, Lance would move the boxes and Keith would keep him company. 

“Well maybe I would have a chance, but I’m stuck carrying boxes because  _ someone _ won’t help.” Lance wasn’t bitter about him not helping, but he would have appreciated it.

A handful of citizens had been helping the paladins move the boxes, and Lance had been stuck with only one.

They were taller than the other citizens and kept eyeing Lance oddly as if he was was a random child someone had left on the street. They had introduced themself as a name he wouldn’t even try to pronounce at risk of being rude, and his mind had supplied him with the idea of using Garmadon instead as an attempt to remember the rat teacher from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

He walked out carrying two boxes and into the castle. 

“I don’t trust him, Lance” Keith nodded towards the direction of Garmadon, “He keeps looking at you weird. And he’s had his guard up the entire time we’ve been here. I think he might be planning something, Lance.”

The words made sense to lance but they also  _ didn’t _ . It felt  _ right  _ though. He had felt off this entire time except for when Keith showed up, and now all of a sudden Keith's words just felt  _ right _ . And Lance really,  _ really _ , wanted to believe Keith. It made  _ sense _ , it felt like he was standing in the dark the entire time and Keith shined a light in a random direction and he just  _ knew _ to follow it. 

“Ok,” Lance hadn’t fully believed Keith. But now that Keith brought it up, he wasn’t wrong, Garmadon felt like he was hiding something, “let’s say I believe you, what would you do about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!!! I don't know what else to put here


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood, self-harm
> 
> sorry for being gone for so long, I don't have an excuse but I am sorry for it.
> 
> PLEASE READ ENDNOTES

Following Garmadon around felt more tiring than moving the boxes. Lance had come up with the idea to ask him for a tour, as a way to get to know him better, but he had refused saying he had more “important matters” to attend to. Being denied had not helped Lance's continuous growing suspicion of him. By the time all the boxes were moved Garmadon had made a hasty exit and Lance consulted with Keith on what to do.

“Just follow him, I know you didn’t have my ‘spy training’,” Keith told him, emphasizing with finger quotes. “but you’re still a paladin.”

Leave it to Keith to be able to know Lances’ insecurities were starting to get to him.

“Keith, we don’t know the territory, we're bound to get lost and that's just gonna be more trouble.” Lances’ sense of direction was good, but being in foreign territory still could have unforeseen dangers.He didn’t want them to cause more trouble, bring more reason as to why he’s useless. He didn’t deserve to be paladin, but he wanted to be so bad.

Lance was selfish, he had realized a long time ago but it still hurt to think about.

But realizing meant he found a solution. 

‘Become someone they deserve.’ That's why he had to prove that Garmadon wasn’t who he said he was. He needed to show the team he could be a paladin. He didn’t want them to realize how weak he was.

“Just leave a trail,” Keith's voice brought him out of his head. He noticed he’d be trapped in his thoughts more often than not recently. But Keith was here, and he would always bring him back. “That way if you get lost you can just follow it back.”

“Theres nothing to make a trail with. What if we end up following them for hours and run out of bread crumbs.” They needed a solution to Lances’ qualms fast, Garmadon was getting further and further away each second.

“Use blood, I used to do it all the time back in the desert.” Keith sounded so sure about it.

“Ok,” and with those simple words Keith walked up to him and slit his wrist. “Let’s go.”

Blood dripped down his fingertips leaving a small puddle on the floor. Lance stared at it for a second taking in the feeling. It felt like a weight being lifted off him. The cut felt like it released so much he didn’t acknowledge.

“Lance we have to go.” Lance was transfixed in the feeling. It started to fade and Lance started to feel heavy again. Heavy and  _ wrong _ . 

He wanted the feeling back. Lance looked towards his other arm. Bare of blood, but he held a knife in his hand. 

_ When’d that get there. _

He switched the blade into his bloody hand. 

_ I want the feeling back. It felt good. _

And suddenly red started to pour from his other hand too. And he reveled in the release, the feeling of weightlessness and freedom.

He needed more. He  _ wanted _ more.

“Lance, come on, he's getting away.”

And Keith's words pulled him out of his thoughts again.

They headed towards the door.

But it was already opening. Hunk was standing on the other about to mention something but his gaze fell down at the heavy scent of copper.

“Oh Lance, what did you do? I’m so sorry.” But what was Hunk apologizing for?

Hunk looked ready to cry, so Lance turned to Keith.But he was gone again.

_ Must've left before when Hunk was distracted with Lance and started following Garamdon, smart. _

“I’m sorry Lance. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Hunk had started crying, he grabbed Lance into a hug and pulled him down. Lance’s suit was wet with blood and tears, the blood around the floor seemed bigger than intended.

He looked back down towards his wrists. There were four more cuts on his arm.

_ But I only cut it once. _

He started to feel it again. The impending weight,heavya dn clustered and unrelenting.

“No, no, Lance, Leo stop, Leandro,” Hunk calling his given name pulled him out,\\.Hunk was attempting to wrench the blade out of Lances’ grip. But now there were more cuts.

_ When did those get there? _

The metallic scent was growing stronger as Hunk finally pulled the blackout of his hand,tossing it to the side. 

“Leandro, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”Hunk had buried himself back into Lances’ suit.He was apologizing again but Lance still didn’t understand why. He felt lightheaded from thinking so much, but the weight was coming back. The  _ wrong _ was coming back.

Hunk was attempting to press something into Lances’ wrists. He closed his eyes for a second trying to remember how the weightlessness felt. But Hunk was screaming into his ears. The weight felt heavier, he tried to open his eyes but they felt heavy. And Lance felt tired, a nap sounds good about now, yeah a nap. He’ll just sleep on Hunk and when he wakes up keith can tell him what happened when he followed Garamadon.

There was more shouting though, it was odd. He knew it was shouting but it sounded far away, muffled almost. More voices filtering in and out of his ears. And he had the vague feeling of being lifted.

\---

There was an odd beeping sound as he woke up. The nap felt weird, he was thirsty and still felt tired. There was a weight in his bones, but it felt more like his body was sore and tired and less like the feeling of  _ wrong _ .

Attempting to open his eyes only blasted him with a bright blue light. It took him a couple seconds but he managed to open his eyes, and then he felt himself falling. His entire body felt heavy. 

_ I’m going to hit the ground soon. _

He felt arms around him before he could, but there was a sharp prick in his arm.And he found himself falling back asleep.

\---

The next time he woke up he registered he was in a gray room. Similar to ones they would use to hold people that weren’t bad but weren’t not suspicious either.

It was like a jail cell but better furnished. It had soft padding on the floor and a small couch on the side with a low table in front of it. The table held up a box. He turned his head resting on the pillow and found a tray on front of him.

He slowly sat up to assess his surroundings. He found himself on a large bed in an empty room. The tray held food that was warm.

_ Someone was here recently, but I’m still alone. _

There was no door in the room, but he knew from experience that one of the walls would slide out as an opening. But the realization had set in like a stone falling into a pond.

_ Someone put me in here and theres no way out. But why? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I don't think I'm going to continue this fic anymore. I'm not really into Voltron anymore sorry but this is the end of the line. I had a preplanned ending I just don't want to write it. 
> 
> But for any that wanted to know the ending, I might make a separate chapter with my framing notes and storyline if any of you needed closure.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter there like six or seven more chapters I have planned out, also go stream the edit if you want a summary of it, if not then your loss.
> 
> Additionally, I'm planning on making either the plotline a series in either fic or edit, maybe both I don't know.


End file.
